One

I do a lot of

Rewriting

And editing

And deleting

When I write.

Sometimes,

I think

This is a representation

Of what I wish

I could do

With my life.

Two

It’s wonderful

To still be taken

By the wonder of the world.

Small creatures

In a wave pool

Or a low

Large

Yellow full moon.

If I lost

My sense of wonder

I feel I would just be

Totally lost.

Three

There was a time

When I felt

I was watching my life

Through a camera lens.

So dramatic

Tune in next week

Maybe the cast will change.

Would they kill 

The main character?

Would they

Allow him to have

A happy ending?

This show seems

To be very chaotic,

And the creative process

Is probably just as so.

Four

It took me

37 years

To put myself

First.

I used to believe

Putting myself

Ahead of everyone else

Was selfish.

Now, I understand

That putting myself first

Is what my loved ones

Want from me.

I will continue

To grow

To have revelations

And to make mistakes.

But now that I know

That I come first,

I feel powerful,

I feel fortunate,

And I feel worthy

Of the love

I want

Need,

And deserve.

Five

The Earth

Has been around

For billions of years

The Universe,

Even longer.

How wonderfully lucky

To be alive

At the same time

And to cross paths

Somehow

With you.

Six

Doing hard work

On yourself

For yourself

Is worth it.

The things

You learn about

Yourself

Your world

When you

Let your guard down

And be truly honest

Are shocking,

Wonderful,

Transformative.

Before

My journey

Of healing

And self-discovery

I was apt

To say that

People on these kinds of journeys

Were full of shit.

Turns out

I was the one

Full of shit

For thinking

I could do this

On my own.

Seven

One of the biggest things

I’ve learned over my journey

Is

I’m worth it.

Not only

Am I worth it

But the people who love me

Love that I now

Know this, too.

Eight

It feels

So free

To be

Yourself.

Nine

Life

Takes a lot of hard work

To enjoy -

And a lot of luck, too.

Ten

The snap

Of the belt

With the shapes

Carved in

I remember

Sitting

Around the old brown table

Under the dirty yellow light

Watching you

Carve those shapes

When you would hit me

With the belt

Those shapes

Would show up

On my skin.

Is it really

Any wonder then

That in my older days

I flinch

So often?

Eleven

What if

You could go back

And find your younger self?

How would you treat them?

Would you love them?
Would you motivate them?

Do you even care enough?

My younger self

Would be proud

That I stuck to

Who I am.

Twelve

Some years

Winter

Seems to stretch out

Forever.

That cold

Blue

Crystalized world

Seems to exist

For an eternity.

The days

So short

And so dark.

Being snowed in

Is only fun

For a day or two

Before cabin fever sets in.

Then,

Suddenly,

Spring appears

And grass is green

And tulips bloom

And the days get longer

And stay warmer

And you’re grateful

You stuck it out

Through another Winter.

Thirteen

Loving you

Is so easy.

 Fourteen

Being in love

Or even just

Loving your friends

And family, if you’re so inclined

Is, like

The best part

About being alive.

Fifteen

I just needed

A little water

To bloom,

And there you were

Ready to help me grow

Strong

Tall

Confident

I hope we all

Find our watering can

And our ray of sunshine.

Sixteen

I don't know

What I'm thinking

When I find myself

Awake

Again.

Lately

Sleep has become

So hard to come by.

This shall pass, of course

But in the moment,

I can feel

Every grain of sand

Slipping

Through my hourglass.

Seventeen

I am

As insecure

As the next guy.

I wish

I wasn't,

Because

I know

I'm missing out

On life

And love.

Eighteen

Thermometer on the lamp

Fake limp

Bad acting.

I hated school

For most of my life.

I love learning, however.

But because

“I'm afraid of my bullies”

Would never cut it

I tried

To be sick

Everyday.

Nineteen

Ode to the insomniacs

You're seen.

I hope

You can get some sleep

But also

It's 2:49am right now

So I'm not the best

Example.

Twenty

It shouldn't be this hard

To not hate myself.

Twenty-One

I'm sorry

For passing on

My darkness,

My curse.

I feel like I've tricked you.

Some days,

I just feel

So unlovable.

There's no amount of evidence

That might

Convince me otherwise.

Twenty-Two

I'd love to be

A famous writer

Or even

To just

Get paid for my art.

I want this for myself

And I want this

For everyone

Who deserves

To have their work

Appreciated.

Twenty-Three

I burn bridges

So many, in fact

That self-immolation

Should have occured

A hundred times over.

Truthfully?

Sometimes

It feels good

To burn some bridges.

Often, however,

I wish I'd stayed

On the bridge

While it burned.

This helps nobody,

But if I've burned our bridge

And you

Were hurt,

I am truly

Terribly

Sorry. 

It was likely

More to do

With how badly

I wanted to burn.

Twenty-four

I am 

Thirty-eight,

Soon to be

Thirty-nine,

But really,

Going on four.

It wasn't until

I was

Thirty-seven

That I finally

Confronted my ghosts,

And accepted

Neurodivergence.

I feel

Such shame

And such betrayal.

Having to

Rewire your brain

While seeking grace

And empathy

And patience

Has sometimes proven

A pyhrric victory.

Twenty-Five

We're not getting any

Younger

But honey

We're a long way

From being old.

You have forever

Caught my eye

Were I blind

In the vacuum of space

You would still trigger

All of my senses

And drive me wild.

Twenty-Six

Neither of us

Deserves

The hand we were dealt.

I wanted

More for you, baby,

I wanted

To be the best.

I will always love you

Even if you go

But if I

Push you out

I wouldn't

Sleep a single tearless night.

Twenty-Seven

I never did a thing right

Except luck into you.

I never believed in fate

But there's no other explanation.

Stars align,

People are heartbroken,

Insomnia makes you brave.

I hug you

And it's like hugging a tree.

You're so strong,

And I look up to you.

Pace myself

Daily affirmations.

Take em at their word,

Don't be afraid to dream

Or even

To cry.

Twenty-Eight

Will I ever

Breathe the salty

Pacific Ocean air?

I bet it humbles you,

Standing in another ocean,

Looking out at a new horizon,

Letting go,

Even if just for a spell.

Twenty-Nine

Headphones on

My dad asks

“What ya doing?

I don't want you to choke yourself

On that cord.”

Brain's a mess now

Pacing

And my inner voice

Is screaming.

I don't know it yet,

But this

Is ADHD.

Thirty

Like so many pine trees,

Even in the dead of winter,

My love for you

Is evergreen.

Just as the waves

Crash on the shore,

You remain

Constant and strong.

Thirty-one

Rejection

Sensitive

Dysphoria.

Three words

That say

So much.

As we walk

These paths

Of self-discovery,

I find myself

Looking back

And lamenting

The lack of love

A young boy needed.

Thirty-two

There are

So many things

To love

About you.

Your kind, warm smile,

Skin so soft,

Honey-sweet laughter,

And a kind, patient heart,

Just to name a few.

Yet

As our love grows

And moon phases pass,

I think the thing

I love the most

About you

Is

How you make me feel

About myself.

Your love

Is so pure

And unconditional,

And I have never

Been as safe

As seen

As confident.

Thirty-Three

Love isn't

All rainbows and flowers.

Sometimes

It's heartache

And tears

And hard fucking work.

You were love at first hug.

It felt

And still feels

So right

And natural

To be yours.

I said once

That I'm here

No matter what.

And so

Here I am,

Still loving you.

Thirty-Four

Sometimes

When the mood strikes

(More often these days)

I like to let

Myself cry.

In dark moments

Old habits

Will try to make me believe

That I'm weak

Because

I let myself cry.

In these nasty, dark moments

It's my father's voice

Commanding me

To stop crying.

I'm not a girl

After all.

But not once

In my entire life

Of crying

Have I felt

Anything other than healthier

After

I let myself cry.

Thirty-Five

Hello, future and past selves!

This is a promise

And an apology. 

To my future self:

I promise

That I am going to

Keep being myself,

An unclassified

Rare

Weirdo.

It's fun!

And

Being this way

Has allowed me to cultivate

The best group

Of loved ones

Anywhere.

To the old me:

I am

Truly sorry.

I didn't stand up for you

As firmly

Or as often

As I should have.

I was

So beaten down.

You deserved better.

I could have

Saved us both

So much heartache.

Can I tell you a secret,

Old me?

I used to be ashamed of you.

Thinking about you

Once gave me

Great anxiety.

But lately,

I've come to see you

As a sweet, kind, bright boy.

You deserved better,

But you also

Never let the world

Stop you

From being weird.

Thirty-Six

Sometimes

The world is so cold and gray.

The odds are stacked to the clouds,

And the sky is cracking and ready

To fall.

But then,

Someone comes into your life,

And they

Are the sunlight through the clouds,

The break in the rain,

The calm on the seas.

Suddenly,

Everything feels settled,

Everything feels calm,

Everything has slowed down.
Life is still tough,

But some days

You don’t even think about it

Because you’re so happy

To be loved.

Thirty-Seven

It turns out

The hard work

Was worth it.

The way I feel about myself

Now

Is wonderful,

Even when

Things are not.

I have to give myself credit

But I also

Have to thank you.

Thirty-Eight

I love to think about

The first time

You asked me

To walk with you

To the ocean,

I'm January,

Low winter sun

Bidding the day adieu.

It felt like

I was in on

Some secret

To happiness.

And the truth is:

It had nothing to do

With my being at the beach

But rather

All to do

With being there,

Present,

Sharing your joy,

Feeling the thrill

That only comes

When you're falling in love.

Thirty-Nine

I'm

Thirty-eight

Years old.

I am still

A child

With a lifetime

Of growing

Left to go.

Thirty-eight years

And I just now

Feel safe enough

To believe

I'm being true

To myself.

I feel the hard work

Paying off

If only in tiny increments.

Yet

It's these tiny fragments

That bring me

The greatest peace.

Forty

Last night,

For the first time,

I said,

Out loud,

“I deserve this.”

Now

This might not seem

Like anything special

Except

I said

“I deserve this”

And it was about

The love

I was receiving.

Not only did I say

“I deserve this,”

But I felt it, too!

And just when I thought

I could not feel

Any happier,

You told me

“I deserve this, too.”

Love

Is truly

Magical.

Forty-one

I hope

You never have

A harrowing thought

Or a hard day

For the rest of your life.

Knowing that you will have

Days that are hard,

Thoughts that break you,

I want to promise you

Whatever it is,

Wherever I am,

I'll come running.

When you love someone,

They are never too much.

To be asked to care,

To be counted on

By the people you love

Is the most flattering thing.

Forty-Two

What would a life be like

Were I encouraged?

I am fortunate

To love

And be loved

By special people

But that doesn't mean

I don't wonder.

Forty-three

I fall

I err

I cry

I rise

I laugh

I lift

Forty-four

Lately,

I have been

Missing you.

Lately,

I have been

Missing myself.

Time will pass,

Hair will gray,

And I will still feel

I don't deserve you.

Forty-Five

I want to travel to hell

And ask you

If it was hard

To be so insecure.

But

Sadly,

I can give a resounding

Yes,

Based on first-hand experience.

Forty-Six

Learning that

I will be doing

Hard work

For the rest of my life

Is exhausting.

Forty-Seven

I have

Plenty of hard times.

I'm still having

A hard time

Letting you take care of me.

It is

What I want

More than anything,

Yet

After all these years

My guard remains stubborn.

Forty-Eight

Sometimes

I remark

About my dad

Being in Hell.

Some people

Are taken aback,

But if your memoires

Were about having

Your heart

Soul

And body beaten,

You might not be

So quick to judge.

Forty-Nine

Fresh starts

Aren't really possible.

Either you

Are informed by your past,

Or choose to ignore it.

Whichever it is,

You can never be new

Again.

Fifty

I just wanted to say

That I'm ok

With never being new again.

I find

Often

The things that I don't yet know 

About myself

Are the things

That endear me

To the people I love.

Fifty-one

Ode to all the dogs,

Who taught me

What unconditional love

Really is.

Fifty-two

You are not just

My muse:

You are

A role model.

You are tough,

Sweet,

Cute,

Soft,

Warm,

Loving,

And a million more.

It might not be easy,

But you are yourself,

And what is easy,

Is loving you.

Fifty-Three

Once

I believed

That dark humor

And self-deprecation

Were things I needed to use

To be relatable

And funny.

Now,

I know that

These are the kinds of things

That bring my loved ones down.

Today,

I put myself down

When loved ones

Wanted to celebrate me.

I think

I was bothered

More than anyone.

Fifty-Four

It is

Nothing short of magic

How your hand is 

Always there,

Ever reaching,

Just in case

I'm ever drowning.

You taught me

How to stop

And smell the flowers.

You helped me

Sit still

And breathe the ocean air.

You give me

Strength and confidence

To be true.

Fifty-five

I feel it

Now

And

For the first time

I understand.

I understand

That it's my”curse”

And I have to

Carefully weigh

If I love someone enough

To risk infection?

I used to say

“I'm breaking up

And it's a me thing,”

And have it be

True.

I only wanted to protect them

From the paid-forward,

Insecure,

Pointless,

Anger.

Fifty-Six

And now,

It weighs on me

Like a blanket

Or chainmail

Heavy and cumbersome,

Keeping me from

Catching my breath.

It also

Weighs on my mind

Like a water balloon

Heavy,

Awkward,

Ready to burst at any moment,

But most likely

When it crashes 

Against the pavement.

Fifty-Seven

If I try

To force myself

To write something nice

About you,

It always comes out

Feeling forced.

The truth is

You are still my muse,

And

You are forever

Inspirational.

The reason it's hard

To find the words

Is because

I don't have them.

Fifty-Eight

Here I am

Reminiscing

Again,

About our first hug,

About swimming

In the ocean,

Together,

And how you

Instantly and always

Feel like home.

Fifty-Nine

I just wanted

To watch the leaves

Change.

Sixty

I'm sorry

That I'm

So sad 

All the time.

It's just that

I miss you.

Oh,

What I would give

For a day

Of your

Undivided

Attention.

I'm not jealous;

I'm just sad

I might be clinging.

Sixty-one

I miss your body

I miss your skin

Laying bare

In the dark

Faces close

Whispering

“I love you”

Until we fall

Deep into sleep

Deeper in love

Toss and turning

Can't get to sleep

Too many blankets

Are you thinking

Of me

A fool's errand

And I can't stop

Taking years off my life

Wondering what I've done wrong

I know the hard work

Will probably pay

Off in some different

Yet unknown type of way

Yet here I am still

My hat in hand

Praying you'll notice me

Call me your love again

Sixty-two

I don't know if I have it left inside me to pretend

But I don't know if I want to go on and be your friend

I'm feeling like a ghost

I watch you

But I can't reach out

This is too much

Sixty-three

I don't want to pretend anymore

This feels performative

If you can't love me

Please let me go

Sixty-four

At some point soon

You will have been distant

For longer than you were close

Sixty-five

I can't go to the parade.

It's simply

Too hard

To be a spectator.

Sixty-six

I love the sound of your voice

But

Hearing you speak

Makes me miss

Kissing you goodnight.

SIxty-seven

I used to be infatuated by you

I wanted you to show me

Your culture

Your hobby

Your favorite places

Now

Often

I wish you'd never reply.

Sixty-eight

This is feeling

Like last year.

You're not them

But you are doing

A hell of an impression.

Sixty-nine

I'm so upset with myself

For falling so deeply

In love with you.

I wish

I had kept

Feelings to myself

And kept

My heart

Guarded.

Seventy

I am so sick of people

Who don't understand

Their own limits

Or boundaries.

Seventy-two

If not for this

We wouldn't know each other

Anymore

Seventy-three

I can't wait

For you to have more time

To not make time

For us.

I can't help

That I'm already

Hurt about it.

Seventy-five

Every day that goes by

I wish I knew you less.

Seventy-six

All of our traditions

Gone

In their place

Nothing

But

At least you're happy!

Seventy-seven

I used to want to help you,

Be by your side.

The numbness, however

Rules.

Seventy-eight

I can't listen

To your happiness

When I can't

Be a part of it.

I can't celebrate your success

When I'm a bystander

I don't have to be your number one

But I'd like to not feel like

Zero.

Seventy-nine

The things I used to love

Annoy me now.

Eighty

It hurts so bad

To feel so distant from you

And love you so much

Eighty-one

Whereas once I was unashamed

To lose myself in your beauty,

Now, I dare not stare

Lest you catch my gaze

And see how I yearn

To reach out and kiss you

And be in love

Eighty-two

Even though it sometimes hurts,

I am glad you are prioritizing yourself.

I told myself I was choosing to believe

The best for our relationship,

Which has meant

I've had to confront my past.

I won't push you away

And I won't find excuses

To be distant.

I will always be in love with you, and no matter what the future holds,

I don't want to be afraid of how I feel.

Eighty-three

There is literally not enough time

For me to tell you

How much I love you.

Eighty-four

I can't give you

Everything you want

But I can love you

More than anyone else.

Eighty-five

I am chaos;

I

Am complicated.

I never thought 

I'd have to

Do so much work on myself

Just so I don't

Feel like you hate me.

Eighty-six

I guess I'll be heartbroken again

Tonight

Because I just can't love you any less

So I'm hoping with my fingers crossed

That someday I'll kiss your lips again.

Eighty-seven

“I'm alright,” is a lie

But you already know since you see into my soul

Eighty-eight

“So when you coming over?”

My favorite phrase

That I've ever read

Now I overthink

Touching your shoulder

Rewind my mind

But the tape goes dead

Eighty-nine

Oh another day

Trapped inside my head

Oh, another day to kick rocks then

Waking in the darkness

Shaking off the dread

Looking at myself in the moonlight

Ninety

It is ok

It is healthy

It is sometimes

Even nice

When people need space.

Of course

It's the most stressful thing

In the world

When you can't

Just heal them

But

You have never been

And can't ever be,

Everyone'a everything

All the time.

If they have

Someone

Or something else

To also lean in to,

So what?

Maybe you could

Reflect 

On why you aren't

Doing things?

Ninety-one

Please understand:

As difficult as it will be,

Your listening is often

The thing

They need.

Ask

If they need

Or want

Anything…

…They will tell you,

And sometimes,

“Nothing” 

Really means

Nothing.

Ninety-two

I could spend a lifetime

Counting the things

I love about you,

And still,

I would never be caught up.

I know it's love

Not because

Of how I lose myself with you

But rather because

I found myself with you.

Loving you

Feels like

Being washed over

By waves of love.

And I feel so free

When I ride the waves,

Or jump head in.

Ninety-three

The day breaks

And I feel as broken

Low winter sun

Blinding my eyes

The gap between us

Remains unspoken

Driving a wedge

Breaking the spine

Undoing the workk just so I can whine

Ninety-four

The moon reminds me

That everything cycles

Can I cycle

Back to your heart?

I feel strange

There's no excitement

In being scared straight

Panic sets in

Torn apart.

Ninety-five

Thank Gods

For the love

Of these pups.

They keep me in touch with the earth.

Ninety-six

I found another

Problem to tackle

But it might be

A bit more complex

This patron

Has been hassled

Lonely, you bet, but

I'm riding in a casket

You're there

Wearing my face

I thought that you

Would love me

Even once we're gone

Ninety-seven

I'm stretched

But I'm not elastic

I'm at

The end of my rope.

You can't

Put the past in

With the toothpaste

Back in the tube

Would we be better off

Going back to sniffing glue?

Ninety-eight

I think

For sure I have loved you

Across these various times

There is no one above you

See how I clean

See how it shines

See if I'm making the same mistakes

Ninety-nine

It's cold now

And the leaves have fallen.

Now the ground

Is crunchy and bright.

It's strange

To be surrounded

By people I love

and still feel the heat

Of my own self-hate

One Hundred!

We're good

At least

I still hope so.

I don't feel

Like I know much these days.

101

Is our love

Strong enough to

Withstand these moments?

102

I would like to thank

My mom and dad

For beating me,

Abusing me,

Traumatizing me.

Most days,

I don't feel I bring anything

To anyone's life.

I'm just here

to annoy you.

103

Would you

Do hard things

If they weren't

Good for you?

104

You're cool

And I never stop loving you

For being all you are.

I see you 

In my dreams,

Whether I'm in bed

Or at my desk.

Laying our heads,

Noses pressed, 

Laughing like we own the world.

105

Like a fax machine,

I think I'm needed

But I feel

Obsolete.

106

Please

Please

Use me

Otherwise

How will I know

That you love me?

107

So what if it hurts?

Did  you die?

Just rub some dirt on it!

(But do not cry!)

Now I've got dirt in my eyeballs,

Under my nails,

In my mouth.

I feel

LIke I need to cry out

But who to call

Knowing you all

Hate me and want me to disappear?

108

I want to reach out

I want to reach out so bad

Just to touch your skin

But the space between us

Just seems to grow

And I'm concerned

That my arms

Can't possibly stretch that far,

But I feel like 

It's coming to an end.

109

Your voice

Waves crashing

Birds singing

Trees swaying

Your voice

110

Oh, baby,

I hope you can forgive me

I've done it, again.

I've pushed you awayy.

I'm not trying to be abrasive.

I know what I am

It's a trauma response

That's traumatizing.

I don't know

Don't know how to be a real adult.

I don't care

Don't care to know how I hurt you

Because I'm too busy 

Hurting myself.

111

Young man,

I hope you learn to settle down.

The people who love you now?

You can't push them away.

And they won't abuse you.

112

I kinda wish

That someone told me

How hard healing would be.

Can't I just-

I don't know-

Die, instead?

Don't tell me

"This is your time"

When my time

Was in the past

and the rest of my time

Is in recovery.

113.

I wanted so badly

To show you

and show myself

That I am strong,

Supportive,

Understanding.

Yet,

Here I am,

Crying because safety

Has been beaten out of me

And I do not know

That you're not

The next one to break my heart.

114.

Please don't hurt yourself

For me

Or anyone else.

Be the jewel you are meant to be.

Shine and let love 

Be a driving force

Of all you do.

115.

Are you really sure

That you want to love me?

I've a lot of baggage already,

And some I don't yet know about.

I know you're workking on

Your own things.

I think that's great!

Can we promise

To support each other?

I sometimes feel like

I'm too much,

and I need you

To pull me back to reality.

116.

Sorry for being detached

I was numb

and had to protect myself.

117,

Are you scared, too?

Do you want to hold hands

And jump

Together?

118.

I saw Darby Allin crash

Through a plate of real glass

For a father figure

or for make-believe.

I never saw my own family

Do anything

For each other.

119.

It's probably time

I got going.

Can I pick up the stuff

I've been keeping at your place?

You can re-use

The photo frame

For the next person

You're proud to love.

120.

I feel blindfolded

Bound

Gagged

Made helpless

Stripped baare

Exposed

Fraud

121.

I wanted

To love you forever

But the universe

Has different plans.

122.

Give me a moment

All these voices are fighting.

When the winner picks an activitiy

I'll let you know.

123.

Is there ever a chance

You will wear my sweater again?

I quite loved

That you wanted a reminder

Of me.

124.

We can't go back.

Hell,

We can hardly go forward.

I'm stuck.

Go on without me.

125.

I feel I'm losing my mind but

I am creative,

I guess I'm sensitive,

and I am also

Cursed.

126.

I thought I was clever

Demons don't mean shit to me

Bring that on.

I've harbored all my feelings.

Now everyone's an enemy.

It's my turn to be the coward.

Fuck trying, I just want to be free

You won't mind

I see you when you see me

It hurts me when I watch you shrink.

I think I'll fold under pressure

To see if I can be

Rough refined

To someone that I'm proud of

My own worst enemy.

127.

My life in Autumn:

Things are bright,

If only for a flash,

before they get gray,

and dark,

and cold.

Before you know it,

You're forced to decide

If you want 

To face the long, cold Winter

Because the upcoming Spring

Is gonna be the best one yet.

128.

I've not thought much

About being mindful.

I thought that by being there

I was also being present.

129.

I don't know if

I have it left inside

To pretend.

But, I don't know if

I'm anything

But a ghost

Look

But don't touch.

130.

I don't want

To be like this.

Am I too kind?

Or do I hurt myself

On purpose?

131.

You are not mine,

I, no longer yours.

Have we truly kissed

For the last time?

Am I to just

Turn off my heart?

I will never not

Be in love with you.

132.

Must I go through

An angry phase

Or can I just 

Self-administer heartbreak?

133.

If I could fade into nothing

I would still

Ache for you.

134.

Am I a fool?

Am I an addict?

Do I like

Having my heart broken?

Why must the cost of love

Hurt?

135.

I hate myself the most

When I blame myself

For nothing.

136.

I once

Tried to save myself.

Look-

Where did that get me?

Wheels stuck

Spinning in the mud.

Everyone is laughing - 

Why?

Why is it in my mind,

Broken like a pane of glass

That keeps me

On the outside.

137.

Days go by.

Time moves on, and history will repeat itself.

In 1,000 lifetimes, I will love you

138.

I am worthy

Of being someone's

Someone

139.

I hate having to ride the wave of emotions.

Swaying, violently

Between missing you so bad it hurts,

And wanting to erase your memory.

140.

As of late,

Sleep is a stranger

And I am growing more comfortable

With the thought

That it might

Feel good

To be an asshole, again.

141.

If I was "home,"

Are you now a runaway?

142.

I don't deserve

All the support, companionship, and compassion

Not to mention

The love

That you have given me

Throughout the years.

143.

I can't close the door

But I don't love myself enough

To want to keep it open.

Everyone is better than me

And you're right to move on.

144.

I am putting on

My best brave face.

But inside,

I am boiling

And falling apart.

145.

Despite the heartache,

I will never cease

Filling my existence

With love.

146.

The people who needed me

Have hurt me,

Deeply,

And I just

Do

Not

Care.

147.

I appreciate the warm weather

But cold, miserable days

Are where I forge my spirit.